TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it could feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical development-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the town historically known for ancient culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed from your Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the very best. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and totally outside of spot. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • And a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable water. But yes, absolutely sure, let's have another position in which American Males can use robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst past negotiations failed beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is less complicated: supply Anyone a suite about the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is delicate electricity," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a very war zone. It can be that he must quit utilizing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regard to the job, replied, "You recognize, guy, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic folks. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head noticeable from House, a element being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents along with the chin is… perfectly, classified.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits immediately after finding the creating's gold plating mirrored a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.


"It's not only unpleasant. It's a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Complicated Characteristics


Probably the strangest factor with the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium exactly where visitors might ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local climate Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Area Syrians are Not sure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-12 months-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Technique: "If You Bomb It, They may Arrive"


The advertisement marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Forever."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "wherever's the closest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is by now attracting attention from Worldwide traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll obtain 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount will also consist of:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based on the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to determine a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Person Trump Tower Damascus @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge in which my PTSD can have convert-down support."


An additional write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reports suggest:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Feelings through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide formed such as Structure. I gave all of it a few. You might be welcome."

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